Tag Archives: death

HOLD MY HAND, EMBUN

yangtze-river-cruises-tours-06_leadingThe Ghost & Embun
I am weary, Embun
Carry me,
I am tired, Embun
Bear me away,
I am fading, Embun,
Close my eyes,
Take my pen,
Hold my hand,
For today or tomorrow
Or who knows when
I will be gone.

And when I am not here anymore,
Think well of me, Embun
And remember me before you
Close the door to all our foolish dreams,
That I resonated your name in my heart,
And sought to call you to Him
In an unbroken hymn,
Like a river of tears
Passing through the night
That alas, you did not hear.
…..

wa min Allah at taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

THE GHOST & THE GHOSTING

190492_10150135259710665_605025664_6943810_102293_nThe Ghost
I was weary, and needed to rest,
I knocked on a door, but a voice said,
“Hush, hush, go away. Ghosts do not sleep.”

I felt hungry, and came to a family at dinner,
I took the empty chair, but the father said
“Hush, hush, go away. Ghosts do not eat.”

Hurt, hungry and tired, I found you sitting at the beach,
You were looking out to sea, and I started to cry,
You turned and you looked through me, then you said
“Hush, hush, go away. Ghosts do not weep.”
…..

IMG_20131111_205650The Ghosting. Once I was the beloved, the cherished, the heard. I was listened to with love and kindness.

Those days are apparently gone, and though I am still here, writing and crying, I am to you a ghost, a painful shackle to a past best forgotten…

Like an inconvenient ghost living in your attic.

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

FAREWELL, WEDDING BELLS

IMG_20170424_193306Farewell, Wedding Bells
I am what I hold in my hand, a broken heart,
I am the memories that shadow my waking sleep,
I am the tears that I cry
Since the night we said farewell
To our dreams of wedding bells
To live a life to an end
That I cannot foretell.
…….

LIFE. All that is born must die. All that is created must have an end, every summer ends with an autumn and every life must inevitably cease. There is little argument on this point.

ENDINGS. What is debatable, and a source of great human drama of joys and sadness, passion and despair is the activity we choose to indulge in between our birth and our pallbearers. And in the consequences of a break-up, the ending of a relationship, boy, it does feel like forever. But I know this is a false forever, a fake eternity concocted up by a fevered heart yearning the gentle touch of a loved one.

GUILT. Nonetheless, in the face of such trials, we have Allah Almighty, we have His Habibullah (sws) and the inner armoury of the soul known as patience, patience and patience. So in truth, there is no competition really – for hope trumps sadness and His divine promise conquers over all our mortal failings. But being human, something in our self-blaming ego is titillated by constantly stirring the pot of our sadness, not to heal the hurt… but to drown our hope, a stillborn.

BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. I guess guilt plays a big part of my life. But I willingly embrace my malfeasance, because interspaced between the guilty pangs are pearls of memories I cannot nor do I desire to let go off.

Memories of you, sunshine.IMG_20170424_194123

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

THE PEN OF GALLANTRY

artflow_201602091201Punctuality & The Pen of Gallantry
Am I too late?
To taste tea in the morning,
To find roses peeping in,
To hear the tiny toes
Of who knows who
Coming down the gravel walk?

Am I too late?
To put fairness before self,
To close my eyes to the whisperer
But gather instead, with the other moths
In a falling orbit
Around the Sun?

Am I too late?
To put manners before passion,
To place goodness before gratification,
To swell the sea of hopeful pearls
Enchanted by the Moon of Mercy?

Am I too late?
To write my book?
To finish my drawings?
To begin and end the story
Of the elephant, the cat
And dear old Mr. Ali?

Heaven knows, as I do not.
The answers to my punctuality
Rests at the Throne of God
In the Antechamber of Mercy
Before Whom prostrates
The Pen of Gallantry
……..

Abang ChikIRONY. we are not good at saying goodbye, are we, sunshine? Not to our office and friends, not to anyone that we love and care for. Take me for instance, today my late brother’s friend remarked on my recent picture on Facebook that from a distance, I kinda look like him (like my late brother, not his friend). This pleases me no end, to be quite honest as I like to be reminded of him. The irony is that when he was still clowning about in the physical realm, Abang Chik used to annoy me to no end with his eccentric but undeniably insightful view of the world.

IMG_20170310_072726THE END. If you follow my rather quiet and uneventful life, you may know that last week, me and my partner handed over the keys of our 13 years old office back to the landlady. It was a deeply melancholic moment for us, having sifted through thousands and thousands of documents of our past decade’s work, smiling, pondering and sometimes laughing at all the memories we made in the office.

THE BEGINNING. Which brings me to the beginning. And to what I shall do now that my legal practice will take a back seat in my daily life. Truth be told, I am still weighing the possibilities but at 47 years old, I am not in a hurry to make a hasty decision. I am looking a the clouds in the sky, I am feeling the tremor of the air that surrounds me, I am listening to the birds singing outside my window, and I am turning my eyes inwards, to the remembrance of God Almighty and His Beloved Muhammad Sayyidina Habibullah (sws), hoping for a hint, a sign.

Pray for me, sunsine. And may Allah bless you always.

donkeywa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

“Is Mika here?” He would ask

30082011706 2-2

Questions
“Is Mika here?
Can I borrow some money?”
The familiar head would suddenly appear,
And I would reply, gruffly,
Yay or Nay, to the speaker,
Abang Chik, my brother.

Now as I sit in my room,
Sifting through his notebooks
And scribblings that I have saved,
My eyes sometimes drift to the door,
Half expecting him
To poke his head in,
And ask, for the thousandth time…
“Is Mika here? Are you done with the book?
Have you seen my car keys?
Do you have the time?”
…….

Not a day passes, that I am not thankful for this life, this world, and for you, sunshine. And not a day passes that I am not thankful that this world shall not last but one day end, and that we, you and I, shall take leave of this reality and return to the possessors of our memories, our dearly departed kin and friends. And to meet, Godwilling, in a congregation blessed to be in the Divine Presence.

My brother is not here. The odour of his presence, made astoundingly apparent by his Indonesian clove cigarettes is absent. But his writings and drawings, his artistic, musical and literary tastes, his quiet devotion to Shaykh Nazim Adil al-Haqqani (qs), are present in my life and animate my thoughts. And he is doing it all over again – bothering me, popping his head into my loneliness, asking for the millionth time… “Is Mikhail here? So what do you think of the movie? Doesn’t the minister drive you crazy?”

Abang Chikwa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

THE DEVIL AND OUR EGO, HIS MOST LOYAL ACOLYTE

19022012588Why
Why oh why?
Why did I die?
Why oh why?
Why did I lie?
Thinking I will never be found out?
…….

sedih 2Every time we lie, we die a little. Of this I am certain, and many times more than I care to count I have found myself at my own funeral, looking into my own grave.

Like tango, it takes two to lie. So long as we are weak and a slave to our own ego, our life shall always be divided – between our heart and our ego. And all too often it is our ego that we will believe, while our heart’s admonishments and advice we stubbornly ignore.

Yes, the devil, our enemy tirelessly lays siege upon our peace and happiness, but whispers are his only armoury. It his good fortune that in our ego his evil whispers have found a most loyal acolyte.

Man & His Lies
The devil was asked
Why it was so easy to deceive Man,
To which he replied,
“I have not found,
In all my travel and adventure,
A creature more adept at self-deception
A student more diligent in the science of self-destruction
Than the children of Adam and Eve”
……..

In a world full of mad preachers and merciless sermons, there is always this risk, a very present and real danger, that our very best efforts of piety or charity are diverted and corrupted by our own ego, hubris and self-deception. The road to hell is paved with good intentions… someone said.

So remember BismillahiRahmaniRahim, sunshine. Declare your purpose in everything that you say or do in the Name of God the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. Leave no words or deeds without this accompaniment – a gift of Allah to Rasulullah (sws) and his nation that is priceless beyond measure.

Say it, my friend, believe it, then cross the road without fear.

largewa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

LOVE DIVINE, BE MINE (Part 2 of 4)

artflow_201510232121_resizedThe Secret Flame
Thus every lingering word, every breathless pause,
Every letter, every passion we try to tame,
Is born to perish, spellbound and spelling out His Name,
Love, Love oh Love Divine!
Love, Love oh Love’s Secret Flame!
…………

largeThe beginning and ending is important. By its nature the beginning is normally a small moment, a brief chapter in a life that may extend to many, many years. The end is also normally quite short. Of course actual dying can be long and gruesome, but the end of one’s life is physically almost instantaneous.

But if we look at them from the spiritual aspect, our birth and death takes on a great deal more meaning than the time spent in the physical realm. In fact, when you think about it, your entire life tend to be lived trying to understand the meaning and purpose of your birth and where you will go when you breathe your last. A great deal of human endeavour, drama and emotion are spent by human beings in this singular pursuit, propelled by some metaphysical purpose found in the traditional religions and its scriptures. It is there in our common history.

Atheism and the End of Love. But now things are different. Now, many people say there is no meaning to be understood about our beginning and ending. Our parents dutifully had sex, and by sheer improbable weight of luck, we were conceived and born. We then live, pay taxes and after a season we die. The End. Roll the Credits.

dark-room-light-through-window-hunched-man1What a sad day for Mankind, when we are now bereft of spiritual reasons behind our birth and our death. Suddenly, everything that meant so much, now really… means nothing. Of course, we are talking about love. According to the naysayers, Love is just a biological and chemical instinct to procreate and ensure the continuity of the human race. It is nothing different from our natural drive to eat and to survive the day. Love is just some fancy creation of poets and love-sick teenagers, a romantic gloss over the overriding primal drive of lust – We being no different from the animals, the amoeba and virus. Sounds depressing to me but Atheists insist that their belief liberates humanity from the traditional constraints and patriarchal oppression often connected with religion. I think there is some truth there, given the unfairness and horrors often visited by the powers-that-be under the pretext of religion. But at what cost do we acquire this ‘liberty’?

For the moment you take love out of the equation, the instance you separate metaphysical meanings, causes and consequences from your physical world, what do you have left? A spartan, dour and crude motivation of survival for no reason but to survive. No other purpose, no hidden truths, no secret flame, no more hidden beauty. No more love. And that, to my mind, is the saddest thing ever. Don’t you agree, sunshine?

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

EVERY TREMOR OF YOUR HEART HE FEELS – of death, love & separation

226330_10150169952279023_4175171_nWhere My Mother Is
I am missing a breath
With every beat of my heart
Since the day you breathed your last,

Since you skipped any more tomorrows
I am living half of my life in the past
And the other half in a sweet sorrow.

Even as people see me living,
I know that I am in truth only dreaming,
And through the window of my soul
I am sadly peering,

To where my mother is,
To where my brother is,
In a beautiful peace.
……….

This is the first observation, and I dare say a sentiment shared by anyone whose loved ones have arrived there in the Hereafter after our short stint in this world. Our departed father or mother, our sister or brother, our  beloved kin or friends, they have all discarded this vessel of clay and water that we presently continue to animate.

And this is the second observation…

1239623_10200377345066459_319749956_nWhole Once Again
The wound is as fresh as the day
Your sweet eyes closed never to open again,

And this separation remains as poignant as
The joyful expectancy to be with you,
When finally, finally… finally…

I am made whole once again.
……...

Along this thread I came across a third observation, and this is it – If we bumbling clowns of humanity can feel such profound sorrow in separation and the bittersweet expectation of a reunion with our dearly departed, how do we reckon God Almighty feels when we are cast into this world through the womb of our mothers?

Even as the Almighty knows the fate of every star, every atom and every living soul?

For I do believe Allah feels. And as His Prophet Muhammad (sws) is known as Sayyidina Harisun Alaykum (sws) – ‘He Who Is Anxious Over You’, do we think his Lord Almighty is unfeeling? Uncaring?

26062011446-2So have faith in Allah’s plan, my love, and in the temporary absence of our dearly departed. For every tremor of your heart, every sigh of separation, every tear that escapes your eyes He feels. In a manner and nearness that you can barely fathom…

Believe me!

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

SERENITY …and the true measure of God’s generosity

IMG_20161012_233611Serenity
My Lord, I have seen too many things
That I wish to un-see and forget,

So let the last sight I behold
Be Your Beloved in all his serenity,

For surely such a blessing will wash away
All the bad and its memory,
All the mad and its ugly,

And leave me in sweet anticipation
For Your Beloved in Your mercy ocean.
………

WE ARE IN NEED. My love, I am weary. My beautiful sunshine, I am not myself. I want to rid myself of this hurt and hatefulness, of this stifling hubris that is taunting me like a spirit caged. I have seen too many bad things, you see, and I need to wash my eyes.

SO LET’S NOT BE SHY, And surely it is not time to be reticent in our desire for the Prophet Muhammad (sws)! Not when Allah (swt) has blessed us with Nabi Muhammad Sayyidina Nabiyyur Rahma (sws), the Prophet of Mercy to all of Creation in its unfathomable entirety.

The Generous One
The Generosity of Allah
Is not counted by the gold, silver and gems
In the earth, nor the trees and valleys,
The meadows and the surrounding hills.

The Generosity of Allah
Is not counted by the numberless stars in the night sky,
Nor in the schools of fishes swimming in the sea,

The Generosity of Allah
Is not counted by the health you enjoy,
The wealth that surrounds you,
Nor by your spouse and children.

The Generosity of Allah
Is counted and most exalted
Because He desires to share Muhammad,
His Own Beloved, with you and all nations.
………..

largeSo stay awhile and close your eyes, my love. Open your heart and help me ask God Almighty for this gift – to see our most caring Nabi Muhammad Sayyidina Hafiy (sws), the loving and welcoming prophet of the End of Days!

Which is fitting since is there really any better way to end our own days?

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way

My father, my son and the true constant of change

artflow_201610032223_resized_1CONFUSING TIMES A’COMING. My son Mikhail is going to be thirteen in January 2017, and I wait for that day with a certain amount of trepidation – worried about how he will change, as he certainly will, becoming a teenager with the hormonal angst and chemical overdrive making him sprout up by a couple of inches, body hair growing in the most inconvenient of places and his voice evolving into a deep growly bass. A daunting prospect for my son? Positively terrifying for his father.

MY DAD WOULD AGREE. There is no doubt that growing up can be a highly confusing period in one’s life. But I do think it is too easy for us to imagine that this period of physical, mental and spiritual confusion abates when we enter our twenties. No such luck, sunshine. I myself am comfortably in my forties, and I can assure you that change occurs to me every challenging day, sometimes smoothly, but mostly, changes comes with doubt, uncertainties and unexpected complexities, no matter how well rehearsed I may be to meet them. I bet if I asked my father of 82 summers, undoubtedly he would nod his agreement, having to pass through the crucible of two significant deaths, that of my mother and my elder brother…

DIVINE LOVE. You know what? I just realise that 70 years separate my son and my father. And I guess I am the bridge between them, but Lord forgive me that I do not think I am doing such a great job bridging the gap. May Allah (swt) bring us closer together, under the guidance of Nabi Muhammad Sayyidina Harisun Alaykum (sws), the Last Messenger of God and the One Who is (Constantly) Watchful Over Us. This is my only hope, truth be told. For I am informed by sound sources that Divine Love crosses infinities… so what is a paltry 70 summers?

mountains-landscapes-fields-california-meadows-blue-flowers-wildflowers-2400x1350-wallpaperWe are always endeavouring thus, in our piecemeal and stumbling ways to try and be worthy of the Love of Allah and His Habibullah (sws) and to connect to the Divine Presence. It is never enough, my love. So please keep us in your prayers.

wa min Allah at-taufiq

Hate has no place in Islam
Love will show the Way